You know; I cared too much about you. I couldn't really think of hurting you. You meant a lot to me. If I did something, out of foolishness, that made you cry, know that I didn't mean to break your heart. I was crying deep inside of me. If I messed up your life, my life was messed up too, and I couldn't tolerate the fact that you're suffering the way I do. I never spent so much time crying, but I did when I broke your heart. Mine was scattered into pieces. It was a big mistake. But you think it's mine...
It has been a while, and thinking about the whole thing now, I realized that I could have handled things differently. And I can't really apologize, because it'll bring up an old pain. So, it'll remain an owed apology, in my heart.
Have you ever stabbed yourself so hard in the head? Don't! Because it hurts so much.
Since I started this blog and I'm always complaining about my state of mind. And most of the time, I'm not so satisfied. It's not within my control to stop questioning my mind's state. So, I will continue to do.
Sometimes your mind thinks "this way", and you don't ask yourself why do I think "this way", because it's beyond your knowledge to figure it out. You'd rather say, "Hmm, I think "this way", full stop". For me, things are different. I have always asked myself, why "this way" and not any other ways? Is it because it's the best way out? What if it is not? What's unique in "this way" that makes me go for it? Hold on, why am I programmed "this way"?
Lately, I have found the answers to my questions! And let me tell you, myself, I am not only "not satisfied", I am disappointed! I used to think I am sane. Now, I need a proof for that.
All your actions are pre-determined, you are pre-determined. I am an outcome to what I was brought up to believe in. No matter what I do, I can't escape this fact.
I have been expecting a raise for almost a month. I was promoted to a more "demanding" position (nothin more really), and my boss hinted about a raise. But the true question was, how much for a raise? I get paid hourly, so I thought maybe couple of bucks extra per hour?
Well, I can say that I've been working non-stop for the hours I spend at work (which is unusual), that I don't even get to have lunch-break. Nonetheless, sometimes I need to stay overtime to finish up some work before leaving.
A perfectionist as I am, I like to have my work done perfectly! Not a single flaw. So I know what type of quality they're getting. Maybe that's my problem, I give in too much, more than what people expect, and then they take it foregranted. But who cares,...that's me.
Today, my boss calls me over in his office. He uses this formal tone, instantly I knew where he's heading to. "We are so delighted with the type of work you've been doing lately, and you've got a raise". Impressive, now I think to myself "should I say thanks afterwards?!". And then, he shoot me in the head "50 cents".. .. .. ... .... ......
For sometime I couldn't speak, all I did was say ".... Alright!" with a blank image on my face. And I think I also raised one eyebrow, but that was spontaneously, I wouldn't mean it. But anyway.... FIFTY CENTS? That is 2 quarters. Doesn't even pay for half a load of laundry.
Since then, I'm speechless. I don't even know how I came to get all the above words out of me. I am thankful, for sure, but I am confused. I'm asking myself; am I missing something? Am I being "used" or something? One thing I'm sure of, I'm not gonna change the quality of my work, still gotta give them the best of me (till I get sane).
