Speechless
I am feeling speechless, although there're many things going into my mind and into my life. I wanna talk, but myself doesn't want to listen. It's pretty frustrating when you have a struggle inside of you and you can not put it into words. Just like Connecticut's weather, I'm experiencing shock, fear, quietness, disorderliness and strain all at the same time.
I guess I'm passing through a timorous phase in my life. I am criticizing every single thing around. I am unsatisfied with a lot of stuff happening around. I really wish I could take a vacation. A vacation from everything. And get to hang a sign at the gate of my mind saying: "Closed for Amelioration".
A Conversation between Me and Myself
Me: What's wrong with you, Myself? You OK?
Myself: A little dopey, or so they say. I feel more like stoned, but I'm not stoned (
I guess). I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm not sure why.
Me: What happened?
Myself: No idea.. Maybe that's normal. Who knows. Who cares!
Me: Go get yourself some rest. Try to sleep.
Myself: I can't. I don't wanna see that bed. That gloomy room; I don't wanna go there. Makes me feel depressed.
Me: I know you wanna go out, why don't you go for a solo ride?
Myself: You know I can't drive while I'm in such state,
or so they say. And I'm sure I don't wanna see anybody. I hate everybody. Not everybody, but generally everybody. Not real hate, though, but just the feel of "dislike".
Me: C'mon, why is that?
Myself: You're asking? People are so selfish. Seriously. They can only care for onething; their own selves. Whatever they do, they do it only to maximize their own benefits, nothing else! I always feel like I do not belong. I feel like I'm from Mars, or maybe Venus!
Me: You do stuff to maximize your own benefits, too.
Myself: That's a natural instinct, but I can hide it. And when I'm around people I tend to care about them more than I dare care about myself. Even if I'm faking it. Usually I don't fake it, but if I do, I only do it to not hurt their feelings, and that itself is caring! They are horrible. And really, the feeling of not belonging is starting to irritate me. Seriously.
Me: You know, it's strange that you're saying that because you're a very social person; like everybody is pointing that out "you can socialize easily and you can adapt to most of the people".
Myself: Duh! I can socialize, but I can not belong.
Me: Yeah, I agree! Afterall who would agree with you more than me.
Myself: You know.. Nobody understands. They can't all be dumb, but they share one common thing; at one point of time, they all act like dummies. There's no single person who I would feel 65% comfortable communicating with. What's wrong with them? I started to think, what's wrong with me?!
Me: Hey, I'm sure sooner or later you're gonna find your "soulmate". Soon you'll find that person who you'd feel like there's no much differences between you two. Right?
Myself: Well, I started questioning that one, too. This aint a perfect life. Why would I find a perfect match in this cursed life.
Me: I know, Myself, that you're not looking for the "perfect" match. You're a perfectionist, but not when it comes to this point. You don't even care about this issue.
Myself: I don't.
Me: Good. Then, live by it.
Myself: Trying. Actually, so far, I am.
Me: OK, now go get some rest. You're really freaking me out.
Myself: What's freaking me out, is that I guess I'm starting to develop multiple idenitites.
Me: No, I don't think that's possible.
Myself: It is possible, you dummy. It is possible. I have been talking to you for 2hrs straight and you're not realizing it?
Me: ------
Myself: Welcome, buddy. Join the club of hallucination.
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**UPDATE: I was under illness influence that day!
One Distorted Person
I have been "off" for a while. And will stay like that for some time. I am one distorted person.
