My Psyche

She's Got Everything Going for Her

I hate that statement. Yeah okay life is great, the sun is shining, the grass is green, but... there must be something missing anyway. Have you got everything going for you?

Let it be wealth, for instance. Ok, money is not an issue (of course you think the more the merrier), but it was never a thing to complain about. You can buy yourself whatever, go wherever, but wait... that's not the thing. You still miss something.

Friends. You have em all on your back (*God bless*). You've got all kinds of friends. The one you could talk to, the one you could laugh with, the one you could laugh at, the one you could travel with and the one you could trust over anything. Now, what is missing?

Faith: you have that too. Family: amazing. Lifestyle: fresh & sporty. Seriously, what is missing?

Maybe the appreciation to all of the above.

*Sigh*

posted by Bee @ 5:21 PM 1 comments

Audience

So since audience shapes the nature of our words, I decided I'm not talking to anyone. It's the Me who matters in here.

posted by Bee @ 5:14 PM 2 comments

And I'm Back!

It's been a long time. Ten months. But I'm back. I missed you, my blog. I'm back and I brought back lots of randomness and critiques of the so-called life-of-moi.

posted by Bee @ 5:11 PM 1 comments

A Custom-You

You know, there are those kind of people (yeah, they do exist) who praise you, and keep telling you how much they love you, and that you mean a lot to them. But deep inside, they love the "you" that they want you to be.

Sometimes you're in this relationship where you want it to work so bad, but it's just not working, but you keep trying, hoping that one day it's gonna work out. But what if it doesn't? How long will you keep fighting for? If they manage to criticize the most minor and major things in your life, then maybe it's not working? It makes you just wanna say "honey, maybe it's not meant to be- let it go!"

It hurts me to say that. I don't wanna let go. Plus, it's not that I haven't tried to accomodate your needs, but I just don't see where you're coming from. I put up with a lot of your crap. I try to accept you for whoever You are. The Unique You. Why can't you accept me for whoever I am? I know I can be annoying sometimes, but if you see it that way ALL THE TIME, then... let go. Just don't hurt any of us. I'm okay with us being acquaintances rather than getting closer and cause harm to one another.

posted by Bee @ 1:35 AM 0 comments

Escape

"You're escaping it... that won't help, face it!"

Ouch! I'm not escaping anything. I'm right here, living it, experiencing every bit of it. Why do you tell me that? I might have just got tired, and tried to escape, but whom are we kidding, these are facts of life that no one can escape.

I try to stand up and yell it out loud "I CAN DO IT", but for some reason, I can't. I dunno, is it because I can't or I didn't try hard enough? I'm just trying to follow a path that is well-paved, do you call that escaping? Maybe I don't have the heart for fighting over lil things. But I would do it if I had to. Why, do you want me to prove it?

Sigh! Funny how when I try to be the peacemaker you call me an escaper.

posted by Bee @ 1:25 AM 0 comments

Too Much, Too Much Is Going On...

I really do miss my blog. I dunno why I manage to stay away for some time. Maybe the idea that I have to jot down concrete, coherent thoughts keeps me away from my blog till I'm actually in that "state" of mind. Which I haven't been in for so long.

It's such a stressful month, April. You know, it's this time of year where things are about to come to an end. Plus, it's tax season! Finals, projects and all that crap. I have to decide what I wanna do with work, quit and call it a life experience, or stick to it and just be pleased with whatever I have? Am I missing out on other options? Am I not keeping an open-mind? Will I really be able to live on my own? Am I gonna get homesick? I have been homesick for couple of years, but it fades out after a while. Is that what I wanna do? Ahhhhh!

I can't wait for this phase to be over, cause I can't take it anymore! Oh wait, we agreed before that this is not gonna end. The problem isn't in April, the month, it's in the truth that we occassionally get exposed to. Life goes on.

posted by Bee @ 1:05 AM 0 comments

Is There An End?

With all the planning for the summer and next year, I'm thinking to myself.... What next?

Ugh, this question gives me butterflies in my stomach. When I think the stressful part is soon coming to an end, I realize that I'm wrong, and things are only gonna be worse. If I'm concerned with my project due-date right now, later on (maybe in 2 months) I'm gonna be concerned with staying or leaving. To lead or to follow. To try or to let go. To build or to watch it getting destroyed. And man, is it gonna get nasty watching it getting destroyed.

No, the decision part is not the hardest, it's having the strength to make it. I'm just looking for an end. An end? Yeah, an end to this confusion and unstability.

And I just realized that it might not be possible. Welcome to life, son, enjoy your stay.

posted by Bee @ 1:01 AM 0 comments

Carefree As I Can Ever Be!

I know life gets boring sometimes, so gotta spice it up before it gets out of control, no? I decided to try these new stress-free pills. It all started as a joke, but I guess I'm one type of person who takes her own jokes seriously. Muhahahaa.

The label showed the active ingredients to be all herby stuff, nothing chemical, all natural stuff. Cooool. But still, I went on googley-woogley and read the history of each herb. Hmm, got positive results. I decided to go for it :) To be honest, I wasn't that stressed, or in need for them, but I was curious to find out how they "manage" stress, just in case I ever need them.

Man oh man, that was creepy. I took the required dose at night, woke up in the morning, being ultimately blessed, I didnt have work that day, I only had classes to go to. Everything seemed normal to me, I went to my class 10 minutes early.... what?... say that again??... Yes, 10 minutes early. Woah, that was a record. I always walk in class 15 minutes late. By the time the class was done, I was sleeping, my face burried in my laptop. I slept for 2-hrs. And I must say, that was the best nap I had in my whole entire life. I actually went blank, can't recall I was dreaming either. I literally shut off for 2-hrs. I woke up only to find myself craving some more sleep.

I'm not sure how or why, but that must be related to the valerian-root in the pills. Some people are sensitive to that. I guess I'm one of them. It was a fun experience, I'd love to do it again.

Can I get a pill that wakes me up in May? Yeah, and on top of that, can I get a sub to manage my life while I'm off? Thanks!

posted by Bee @ 2:00 AM 0 comments

Good Morning,... No One!

I had a dream...

I woke up in the morning and no one was there to tell it to. I thought I was lucky, cause nightmares shouldn't be shared :)

posted by Bee @ 1:47 AM 2 comments

Illusion...

There was a time when I used to believe in perfectionism. Things were easy to comprehend, life was cool and smoother, even though my inner battles never came to an end.

I thought time would bring the answers. But here we are, back to where we began. Maybe more confused than before.

I miss you, my blog.

posted by Bee @ 1:39 AM 1 comments

Des Rants De Moi!

You know, sometimes I wonder why people complain too much about their lives. Why is it that no one's completely satisfied with what they got? Always looking for flaws, gaps and constraints. Yes, no one said it's an easy game anyway, but wait, can't you take on some challenge? And I look back at myself, and I realize... things could be worse, why do I complain when I'm actually better than 95% of the earth's population (no, no statistics found, I just made that up). Gotta be grateful and look at the brighter side of it, JFC (just for a change!).

You know, perhaps we have it embedded in our heads that life should be a joyful experience, that we grumble when it doesn't go as anticipated. If only we knew that's how it should be, life would be much more easier. Wait, did I say "easier"? How ironic. Haha!

Well, I'm craving some security. I don't know why I can't seem to get that lately. Hmm.

Later!

posted by Bee @ 12:48 AM 1 comments

Plug-ins

What if there was a pause button to pause some moments; a fast forward button to forward some others; and a rewind button to relive a moment? How would that feel like? Life would be a déjà vu, wouldn't it? What if there were a Stop and Eject buttons as well?

I'm thinking a Skip button would come so handy.

But I think that's what make some moments so unique... they go by and never come back. Makes them worth the contemplation.

Even though sometimes I think of all those plug-ins and add-ons, I love it the way it is. Like it or not, it's my life!

posted by Bee @ 11:40 PM 2 comments

If You Ask Me...

... I might answer you.

Later!

posted by Bee @ 2:06 AM 4 comments

Enjoy It While It Lasts!

Thinking about all these people that once I associated with; from the acquaintances that I was blessed with their existence, to the friendships that lasted for a little bit more than what I expected, to the ones who left a remark big enough to make me wonder... I realized I should be thankful.

It's not true that friends are forever, but I believe we can make something out of the time they spend in our lives. It's true that they come and go, but see, they bring some emotions with them that they can't take back. Some experience, some adventure. There will always be that little thing that will link back to them. But that little thing may vanish one day...

So let's just say; enjoy it while it lasts!

posted by Bee @ 10:09 PM 1 comments

Sincere Pain?

It hurts me so much that someone can make me feel as crappy as I am feeling right now. Yes, people can do that to me.

I'm sorry if I couldn't ease your pain. I tried. And I failed. Well, you never gave me the chance anyway. But I still feel as crappy as never before. I feel bad. Bad!

I'm mad at myself. I don't know if that's just "over-caring", or so much "egocentrism" from my side? Am I in pain cause you're in pain, or cause I wasn't successful in relieving your pain? I'm so much mad at myself. Believe me, I would have cried if I was to see you cry, but I would cry even more for that uncertainty that I'm in... why am I in pain? Seriously.

posted by Bee @ 1:42 AM 0 comments

Too Much Work Will Eventually Kill Me!

I need to learn to say "Sorry, I don't think I can do it" more often. Because I overload myself with so much work and responsibilities, that I'm better off without.

Being a superwoman feels good, but who am I kidding in here? :) I need to take it easy on myself, a little bit more.

I need to sleep...!

posted by Bee @ 11:31 PM 0 comments

Some Random Emotions

I miss them. So much, that it makes me want to cry.

I'm acting like a wicked strong idiot, but I'm not. I'm heartbroken.

Life goes on, but I'm not sure for how long.

I won't demand it from you, but you can just offer it. I can't promise I'll take it, but I'm sure I won't be mean about it.

What do you want? Seriously. You're drifting apart. Isn't it worth some of your precious time to pause and think about it for a while? I know the answer isn't easy, I never said it is.

I decided to let go, anyway. I don't think you matter much to me anymore. You do what you do. I'm not gonna step on your way. And I'm sorry, just in case you think I owe you an apology, cause I don't want to owe you anything else from this moment on. You can do your apologies, too, but it's seriously over. I mean it. You'll remain some acquaintance, though.

Oh god, this is just a big mistake. *Sigh*

posted by Bee @ 2:18 AM 1 comments

Go Away!

What's up with stress? It seems to have found a new friend,.. me. That's the kind of people that I wouldn't want to know, so please go away!

Yes, it has been more than a week- 7 consecutive days, with a non-stop stress, all over the place. I need to get myself to relax. But HOW? I took a day off from work, and 2 from school. But that didn't help, cause simply I spent my time running some other errands, that were kinda past-due sort of thing.

So I tuck myself in bed, try to get myself to sleep. That's not working either. It takes at least 2 hours before I can get myself to finally pass out. Oh well. I keep having those disturbing thoughts, (no, not of me committing suicide) that stick to my head for the whole night, capable of waking me up if I was victorious enough to knock myself to sleep. Ughhh!

Milk? Yeah, I haven't tried that in a while. I should get myself a cup of milk and see how it goes.

I caught myself jotting down some thoughts (well, trying to release some stress), and I don't know if it helps or not, but I was able to sleep on that same day. Progress, eh? Coincidence? I would go with the latter.

posted by Bee @ 1:53 AM 0 comments

Words Out Loud

With all the unspoken words that I've been murmuring lately, I decided it's time to speak.

Later,..
(oh well)

posted by Bee @ 11:32 PM 0 comments

Unspoken Words

posted by Bee @ 1:43 AM 5 comments